good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
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It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I feel it
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.