Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for