I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
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It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
You can’t outrun your problems…
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Always a housemaid, never a house.