Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
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Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.