It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
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I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Merica.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.