A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
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being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Life with a cat in one tweet
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*