If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
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What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.