The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
#inspiration #foodforthought
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂