They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
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*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I need better friends
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”