Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
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I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Realize this:
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎