Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
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It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
#merica
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?