My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
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*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her