If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
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There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.