Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
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Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown