who will stop them
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MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Who chose this font
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Wait for it
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF