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Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
My flabber has been gasted.
🙁
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out