If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
You Might Also Like
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
*ernest hemingway voice*
Lmao
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.