[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
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literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
This is a whole mood;
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio