every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
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{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Inside you there are two wolves
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
LMAO.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.