Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
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“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
are they though??
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
*offers Batman cough drops*
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.