eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him: