im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
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*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Someone just threatened to call me later
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.