[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
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Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.