There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
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In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
No. He’s not coming out to play
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.