Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
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*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Guys, I found it.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂