Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
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Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
The news in a nutshell.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes