The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
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My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS