Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
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If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.