i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
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Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]