She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
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*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Body by cheese-puffs.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.