If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
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*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me