“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
You Might Also Like
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
wtf is a larm clock?
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy