Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
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According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!