9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
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My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
Who.
Did.
This?
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean