Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
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Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Jesus Christ lmao
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills