My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
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I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Everything reminds me of my ex
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”