Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
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wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
when revenge coincides with naptime
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.