If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
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Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
my first dose meeting my second
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
March 16
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.