Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
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Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
grotesque if literal: baby food
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”