I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
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me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
they split up moments later
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.