*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
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Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
how was your vacation
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.