3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
You Might Also Like
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Mission: Impossible
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.