Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
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[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
They got Raph!
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Coffee is ready.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.