*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
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One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
welcome back
She: I like Cats
He:
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls