him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
You Might Also Like
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here