Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
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[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.