I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
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The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
everyone has that one prude friend
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
scares
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”