Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
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My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”