telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
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I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Sing it!
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.