When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
You Might Also Like
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…